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★ 20100430 @ 23:24

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Warning/Uchtang: Random Ramblings inbound... Read them at your own risk (I think they are a little different from leileis) They are quite in-depth... If you read this you will have shared an rational and deep part of myself. If you want to understand me better then read on.

After spending hours lying in my bed and not being able to fall asleep... I've had an entire night to reflect. (I haven't been so melancholy in a few months)

Why am I still here today? Hope. That and hopefully the ability to accomplish Happiness in my life. I want to see tomorrow and maybe... Just maybe... I'll see better days? But to see these better days I have realised something. I have to pick myself up and CHANGE myself. I always ask for others to change but that is their choice. the only difference I can make right now is to change MYSELF; for the better. Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. If I want to see better days then I have to crush these walls built around me; to feel free from these barriers I have between all people. As an individual I must gather my thoughts and strengthen them so my morals are straight as an arrow and to STOP feeling sorry for myself so that one day I can walk down my own path and have no more remorse left in my heart. "Ultimately, we're all dead men; Sadly becoming truth how... But, we can decide how we meet that end."- Kataklysm.

We all have Dreams don't we? Every living human being has Dreams that they aspire to accomplish. Someone I consider an equal is someone who has their own dreams and someone I consider inferior is someone who helps me accomplish my dream but has no Dreams themselves. Unfortunately, some peoples Dreams are crushed or changed by mine. Such is the illusory nature of Dreams. What is my Dream? It is not to impact the world in a way I will never be forgotten in the hearts of man... It is not to help another accomplish his/her dream... It is not to recede in the darkness and sit on the sidelines while other dreams are accomplished... It is to find a Sense of Purpose. Some kind of meaning worth fighting for. This could come in any form... That be Happiness, Love, Peace, Rights etc. I have been on such a quest for years on end and yet I have not found it. Why? I've been looking in all the Wrong places.

I've always taken glimpses in The Mirror. I've always reflected upon myself and evaluated my worth as a human. Last night seemed like an eternity so I chose to explore the faults that dwell so hauntingly in myself. What I saw was a black hollow heart that seeks comfort from others. But no more... No more do I need love and compassion to keep me walking my path. I will stand on my own two feet with iron will and determination for my own sake. In the end who do I live for? Not for you or anyone else no? Just me. Friends and family try to mend my wounds but all they do is open scars. Once again, I must change. I have to stop living in the past because the past is just the future with the lights on. What do i have to fear of the dark?

You're probably thinking... Why doesnt Squishy just kill himself? Because I have Goals and Dreams to be accomplished before my candle burns out. I could die right now as a boy full of regret and unfulfilled Dreams or I can die a man who lived his life to the fullest and have no more to repent for this world. The truth is like a moving target, not many can shoot straight. But today I will no longer be blind at heart and oblivious in a world of lies. Life is what happens while you're making other plans. Along the way, we are going to lose things... And I really don't care anymore. Loss is just a part of the cycle. Last night I lost my dream world which I had created to comfort myself. I popped that bubble and now I will harden myself to tribulations and trials which come to deter me. Humans are compassionate creatures by birth and so, by my own nature, I am hindered and no matter how much I change, I will still be weak. But atleast, I am conscious of my flaws. Are you?

Loneliness is me. This deep loneliness that is ever-present like a looming shadow. No matter who I am around, be it close friends or my family... This loneliness reigns within my mind. The feeling is hard to describe; much like a sense of loss but not quite. It's like a cold detatchment from the scene before your eyes and it makes you wonder: Why are we here... Laughter... So many tears? What is it all worth? I try to suppress this feeling like morphine for a fatal wound. However, it changes nothing... In the end... The wound remains. People can make me smile, albeit forced, only for a little while.

I still long for a Sense of Purpose. But atleast now... I know I am heading in the right direction. I matter to no one and no one matters to me. No one can hinder me because I will always move forward and that is the direction I hope to move in this direction for as long as there is breath left in my lungs. Anyone who dares stand in my way to complete my dreams can only be considered an enemy. You may say my ambition will bring me no happiness but does it look like any other methods have? No. "Life's but a walking shadow, a poor player, that struts and frets his hour upon the stage, and then is heard no more; it is a tale told by an idiot, full of sound and fury, signifying nothing." -Macbeth. Today I will begin a new life and start a morphogenesis so that one day, the light may smile upon me and Happiness may enlighten me from my misery.

P.S. If you wish to confront me about this... Please note that I may have calmed down and a lot of this may no longer apply. Thoughts will always remain but Action is much harder to carry out.

Squishy~